Their Death...

I wept as I awoke from that horrible slumber. I was given a nightmare, and maybe it had a purpose. But I’d rather not care… I simply wish to never see the days that were shown to me. My heart was terrified as I tossed in my bed. My spirit was tormented in this virtual world had enveloped me. The two most precious things to me were taken away. They were lost, stolen, ripped from my hands. The dream is hazy to me now but the agony began when my brother had breathed his last. He was as he is now… young, a lover to God, full of life, full of happiness. And his passing came too soon. The brother who inspired me was gone, the one who gave me hope for myself had left me here. If you’ve never lost a loved one then the pain can simply not be understood.

And as I wallowed in the death of one that was much to close to lose I took another blow. The love of my life was snatched from my presence… there was no reason to live in this moment. All that I loved was gone, all that I cared about had fallen away from me and I could find no more strength. The girl that I was going to marry, to have a family with, to grow old with… she was no more. And so did I desire to become. I longed to stop, to leave this life without hesitation.

But in my sorrow I remember talking to my brother… not in life, but in death. On both sides of the fence we stood, talking. And I remember asking him about heaven, about God… and he was still praying. I didn’t understand? “Why are you praying to Him? Why are you trying to get close to Him still? Shouldn’t you already be with Him?” And like he was oblivious to his situation he responded with uncertainty. He didn’t know why… but he hadn’t yet thought much about it. He had just sort of gone on living the way he had been in life. And it baffled me… and then it tore me apart again. Maybe it was because I had seen him again, maybe it was because I hadn’t seen her, or maybe it was the suddenly obscured picture of death that I had been presented with. All I know is that my heart wrung with a grief I had never known.

And so my weeping continued in this dream. And my weeping became yelling, screaming in anguish. And as I faced my parents I tried to talk to them but they stopped me. They told me to be quiet because it was too painful to speak of. But in my defense I yelled, “But my brother is gone…” and at this I stirred myself from this slumber and I lay there shaking, crying, trying to remember that these two where still with me. Trying to remember that I have not yet lost them.

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